How Much

Progress!

We are as packed as we can be, down to about 2 small boxes worth of things in the kitchen (since I'm still working at the house and need to eat there every day that will be the last thing packed).


We've been taking the opportunity to part with things we no longer need or use and passing them along to family and friends if there is still value there, but also throwing out what is truly worn out. We don't want to move anything we don't love or truly need to the new house. The boys were champions about giving up toys to their younger cousins to make room for their new love of legos and we found ourselves saying again and again "just because we are going to have more space in the new house does not mean we can keep more stuff."


We say it just as much for ourselves as for the boys. It isn't the things filling the house that make the home- it is the people and their relationships. Too much stuff to maintain takes time away from those relationships. I mean, would I rather spend my time picking up all the toys/folding mountains of clothes or being able to play games together or head outside? No contest in my mind.

Moving makes me seriously wonder why we had as much stuff as we had. We have lived in this small space for over ten years and have tried to be very careful about what we bring in, to cull what is no longer needful, and to take care of what we do have. Neither my husband or I are "keepers" by nature, but we did have things we were finally able to part with after letting them hang around for a few years (or more- I can think of at least 5 boxes that have followed us for the better part of our 11 years).


And Ginny's post was so timely for me- I have one child who very freely gives his toys and other things away but can barely part with any piece of art he's ever made (even if it's the tiniest of scribbles of the tiniest scrap of paper) and the other one who doesn't part with anything without a fight- and we're trying to be wise about how to approach it respectfully with them. I don't want to take away or throw things out if they are truly important to the boys, but at the same time we just can't keep every little paper.

We came up with a few ground rules that everyone agreed to before we started sorting and that helped us tremendously:

1. Anything broken will be thrown away.

2. Anything that doesn't have all of its pieces will be thrown away.

3. Art work is limited to your art box. Anything that doesn't fit can't stay.

4. If no one has played with it in 3 months it goes into storage. (If we don't find we need it in the next 3-6 months it goes on to a younger cousin).

If an argument came up over any little thing I could remind them of the original agreement, and it worked shockingly well. There were still some sad moments over things that were broken and couldn't be saved (mostly things that Nana had given them... nothing truly important, just the fact that Nana had given it to them made it meaningful), but overall they cooperated beautifully.

Playing Catch Up

I had fully intended to participate in Project Simplify when it was announced a few weeks ago, but I realized on the first morning of the project that I just can't. This week and the next 3 are full to the brim with studio work during the week and family life on the weekends, and I just don't have spare time. And a bit of me felt really guilty over that because it's the season of spring cleaning and I'm ... not. I usually do, but the studio recital is early this year and I'm on a maxed out student load, the gray and cold of winter still isn't gone (I know it's only March, but still!) and my mind is buzzing with the next 18 months of studio planning.


A teenaged student showed up for her lesson a little early and caught me with the next 3 years spread out over my desk with highlights and scribbles and post-its and said, "You have to plan that far ahead???"


Yep. Because there are facilities to rent and I have to be able to seat a LOT of people. And there are Christmas recitals and composition recitals and composition books to have printed in time for people to purchase- and it's just me running the whole show.


And somehow I forget that this period of 6 weeks knocks me flat, even though it has every year for the last 9 years. I was totally surprised by it this past week, but I think fires have been put out and we're ready to get back to normal minus the guilt I'm choosing not to have over the boys not really having school for awhile.This is why we school year-round, right? So we can take time off when we actually need the break! So we'll consider this an extrended spring break. We will still read every day, Ender is still reading to me each day, and I'm sure a few schooly things will creep in, but mostly we're going to do whatever keeps them busy, happy, and me a little less stressed. Nothing really planned, no units or projects (unless they are completely independent).


**And to answer a few questions, yes- I'm going to post the rest of our continent units soon. I posted Asia and Australia last fall and we've since covered Antarctica and Europe and a bit of South America (though that's on hold temporarily.) I will try to post those in the next few weeks since I know you guys are either started planning or going to be soon! I'm planning to put up South America and North America after we finish the units and make adjustments to the plans. I only want to put up material we actually use!

** Yes, I'm still participating in MMM, but I'm pretty much cycling through the first week's worth of self-made clothes. Pics to come sometime soon...

A New Beginning

The sun greeted us this morning and along with it temperatures in the mid 40s, maybe even 50s by this afternoon! We've already been out to walk and play and it is beautiful - though it's a little weird to see piles of snow still built up from plowing when it's so warm out.


Doesn't today seem like a good day to begin counting gifts?

1. The surprise of 50F in February


2. The prayers of friends


3. An  Voskamp's gift of words and love that I am trying so hard not to gulp down in just a few sittings


4. Little hands clasped behind my neck


5. God speaking through Chris Tomlin


6. Second Chances


7. God's provision, precisely when we need it


8. The cello joining our family of instruments


9. Starting a new knitting project for the newest nephew due in May


10. And best of all, a new (and now official) permanent job for Brian!


Thank you so much for your prayers, dear friends, as he's been looking for work these last several months. Not only is this job with a great local company but it is in a field he has always wanted to work in AND doing a job he really enjoys. It also means big changes in the next year for us toward the intentional life we've been working for. He gets to work a little less and be home more, and I will work significantly less in the near future to have more time with our home and family. The prospect is so exciting, and at the same time a little scary. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts, friends!

In a Week

It's been strange to not write here the last few days, but it's been for good reason.

It feels like life exploded a little, but in a good way

So my nightstand looks like this after a week in a row of very full evenings instead of the quiet we usually enjoy.

We're taking on something new

A step toward the intentional life we'd like to lead

And on top of already wondrous opportunity is the possibility of 50F temperatures starting this weekend and going into next week even though it looks like this outside today

Ezra has been marking his name everywhere in the house this week (and I mean everywhere. I might as well follow him around with a Magic Eraser scrubber!)

And we'll share more when everything is official. God is so good!

Celebrate Winter: Soul Refreshment

Last week was a long week.

The blizzard moved through here on Tuesday, which meant a cuddled up snow day here but the rest of the week was a frantic rush of making up lessons to students who had missed for snow, a few extra hours for work with the worship department at church, my nephew's first birthday party, and family in from out of town. Oh and did I mention that Brian and Ezra were sick most of that time and I lost my camera?


I don't know about you but the colder it is the more I want to cuddle up in blankets and promise to come out when spring returns. The truth is that getting up, getting out and doing is an important part of keeping those spirits up, even when the effort to get out of the house takes a lot more energy. Doing makes a big difference in attitude, and for me having creative time to knit a few more stitches, to cut out new pajamas for little boys, or to write new words makes the difference between "worn down" Mama and "refreshed for the next day" Mama. Too often though that is the time I choose to drop after a long day and I feel the difference after a few days in a row without making *something*.

* * * * *

This Celebrate Winter endeavor is all about changing my mindset about this season- to search for the great activities found only in this season, to beat the winter blues that often come on in February, and most of all to choose joy during this time, resisting the urge to curl up and hibernate.
 

What do you do to feel refreshed through these colder months?

Celebrate Winter: In the Morning

The times of day that tend to be most difficult for me in the winter months are the later mornings and earlier evenings- this lack of light really affects me. I don't want to get out of bed, the house is cold early on and without light flooding in I'm just not that motivated to take that first step out of bed.


Those morning hours are the hours alone I need to get ready for the day both physically and mentally, to spend time with God, to get the day started off in a meaningful way that will spill over into the later hours. By starting off my day later and without preparation for the day to come I turn grumpy and impatient, neither attitude useful.


So I'm trying something new.


I decided to set a new morning routine to take me through these cold days. I needed something to help me leave the warmth of my bed with a little enthusiasm, something to help me get my day going when all I can think about is how cold and gray everything is.


The new morning routine actually starts on the previous evening. I'm taking a few extra minutes before heading upstairs to set up my teapot, set out a new type of tea I want to try, and rounding it out with the beginnings of my breakfast all ready to go. Nothing makes cold mornings better like a hot mug in your hands.


I wrap up in fleece as I step out of bed, and head downstairs to this waiting breakfast. And even though I set it up myself the night before it almost feels like the breakfast elves were here.


And then there was this morning when the water was already hot when I came downstairs, thanks to that husband of mine getting up extra early without waking me... *love* him!

*****

Do you have a morning routine? How do you get moving in the morning?

Whirlwind Revisited

The boys expect a fresh story every night before bed and Brian has been sharing stories from his childhood, dubbing these tales "The Adventures of Brian and Heather". Brian has his very own version of "George Washington and the Cherry Tree" (except for forgetting to mimic the "could not tell a lie" portion), and some of the sticky situations he and his sister found themselves in? Hilarity ensued.


While these adventures have kept the boys in stitches over the last few months, Brian admitted to me that he was just about out of stories. "What should I tell them now?"


I thought about traditional fairy tales, you know- Goldilocks and the Three Bears and those type of things, but that didn't seem right. Hero tales? Not those either. By coincidence a new story was due the next night
and Brian was out of town leaving me with the storytelling for the evening.


I ended up going with "Let me tell you how Daddy and I met..." which isn't terribly romantic, but then again, little boys don't really care about romantic. The fact that I found their daddy at Wal-mart was apparently a riot.

They did care about the beginning. "Why did you like him?" Ender asked.

"Because he was so kind to me."

And he really was. And he IS.

"And then you got married?"

Yes. But in between the liking and the marrying was the whirlwind that felt so long in that moment and now seems like a vapor.


How long has it been since I revisited our beginning and the reasons why we became we? Why we chose to come together to build our lives, to build a family, to build hope?

I can't recall the last time.

The man asked me to marry him before we even went on a real date, and after that first date came around he was even more certain that this was the real deal. A short seven months later (almost to the day) we were married, and well... almost ten years later finds us here.

It was kind of crazy.

And the mother in me is a little appalled that my mother thought it was perfectly fine.

I'm sure she worried way more than she told me about.

I certainly would have.

But in that young marriage was born this marriage, almost ten years old now. We have messed up and messed up big, but if there is only one thing we have learned in the time we've spent together it is that love isn't in the whirlwind, it's in the time it takes to build true things.

*****

Ann Voskamp invites us to write about the practice of marriage this week. You can read more at A Holy Experience.



Celebrating Winter

I wrote earlier this month about making this a Year of Change. Can I be honest and say I'm a little scared? 

You see, me and change? Not friends.

I've struggled with change since I was a child, to the point that no matter how much my parents tried to prepare me I was still filled with anxiety over slight things. I'm much better with twenty-something years of experience behind me, but as the word for this year indicates, this is my big struggle.

Step one for this year?

An attitude adjustment.

This week and through February I'm choosing to find the great things about this season instead of choosing to remember the past few years where it's been a struggle to get through long gray days.

I'm choosing to see this time as the season to plan, to be quiet, to hunker down on snowy days for extra knitting time, to see days stuck inside as great opportunities for extended projects or time to build a tent and play cards inside... all the things we never do once the weather has changed and we practically live outside.

Will you join me in celebrating winter?

Our Education

Every so often I'm trying to formulate a thought that has taken hold of my mind and put it in a way to make it presentable here and someone beats me to it, often in a far more eloquent way. When Teacher Tom shared thoughts yesterday about education reform and what education is really made of, and I found myself saying again- "there it is. That's the idea I've been filled with lately."


We homeschool partly because our options here are limited. We want our boys to stay little boys while they are little, to grow in ways that aren't measured in the traditional school model (public or private) and to understand that education isn't the sum of math class + english class + history class + science class.


It is the reason we draw so much from Charlotte Mason who wrote about habit formation as the very basis of life, as well as education. It is the reason Reggio Emilia and project based learning is the inspiration for our days and the way we choose to learn. The only way we are able to adhere to that educational format is to keep our boys home. I would *love* a cooperative school as Teacher Tom describes and when I really think about it my mind starts spitting out idea after idea of how this would work at higher grade levels. We are exceedingly thankful to have co-op time about every two weeks with other like-minded families, but it doesn't seem quite right and then my mind jumps to a "if only I could start a school like this..." place.


We are working toward a completely different educational experience for our kids, one where the learning continues as long as life does, one where it's okay to not know the answer, to ask a lot of questions and get dirty while you figure things out. We want our boys to not just know the correct answers but to know how to go about finding that answer, to really think and understand processes.


We already know it's different and maybe even weird. Plenty of people have already told us that and it kind of keeps us on track- reaffirming each time that we are doing this with purpose, that our non-traditional approach to education is what is making them whole people rather than walking textbooks.


It is our education, the education of our family, not just our children. It's almost as if now Brian and I are getting the education we needed as kids and choosing this particular way isn't just for their benefit but for ours as well.

Words to Beat Winter

There's a battle to be won every day.

Every day I work to triumph over the negativity my mind gravitates to, to choose joy over worry, to forgive myself in my weakness rather than hounding myself to mental death over little things gone undone.


Sometimes that battle goes on for days, wearing me down into fraility and bringing me to that place where I begin to think I can never get out.

Oh, this time of the year is the most difficult!


The land is beautiful covered in snow, but the endless gray days and their lack of light makes it more difficult to look up and choose to see. It has been in the learning of Isaiah 45:5-7 with my boys that I have felt this year for the first time that we can really celebrate winter instead of dreading it. Holding onto these verses daily- who God is and what He does- is keeping this season in perspective. It is a choice to renew my mind daily, to be transformed, to arm myself in the Father and focus where He asks.

It is the days where I forget and turn inward that I find myself at the end of the day feeling drained and worried. So each morning we say His words together and remember the One who made us, guides us and keeps us- the ultimate in protection from the winter blues.

*****

Ann Voskamp invites us to write about habits today. You can read more at A Holy Experience.

Imperfect

For over two months now Ezra has asked again and again if he could be the silverware sorter now.

"Am I big enough NOW?" he would ask.

He had watched his brother for a long time and really wanted that job- I don't really understand why it appeals to him so much, but who am I to argue with a little boy asking for another chore to do? Over Christmas break Ender learned how to empty the full dishwasher and that gave Ezra his longed-for promotion to chief silverware sorter.


Oh, how exciting that first week was! With new things to learn his excitement and energy bubbled over every time I called him to help in the kitchen.


And now? The silverware sorting excitement seems to have lost its sparkle.


Planning and starting a new habit is so easy isn't it? It's the keeping up each day that causes problems. It's the days that I realize I've failed that get to me- I missed a step in establishing my new morning routine, I missed my mid-day time in the Word... and the perfectionist in me is ready to toss it out and declare a start over- back to day 1 so that I can have a perfectly marked off list.


Wow- talk about missing the point.


I have to fight that part of my brain every day, that part of me that says again and again:

Less than perfect isn't good enough

 "You should just give up"

 Forward progress isn't achievement

If you don't enjoy doing this each time it's not worth it

Discipline doesn't mean as much as accomplishment....

And I pray for God to keep that beautiful word GRACE impressed upon my heart when my ugly insides are trying to crowd out His truth.


Forward progress is all we have- God works in us, each day, each moment, working our souls over to bring us to a place of repentence and forgiveness, mercy and grace, but we are not completed in this life. We read in Philippians 3 last week the words Paul wrote:

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:12-14, NKJV)

To think that Paul, after all of His work for Christ, to spread the gospel, to preach, to share, to grow churches, had still not been made complete in Christ? He was still a work in progress, still being made complete in Christ.


So I will work daily in my relationship with Christ. To be one step closer to completion, but to fight that little voice screaming "imperfect!" all the time. He asks me to walk with Him, to press forward despite my flawed steps, my weak strides.


But I keep walking, held up in His grace.

*****

Ann Voskamp invites us to write about habits this week. You can join her at A Holy Experience.

Forward

Ever since Christmas day I have been focused on the new year. This week so far has been full of plans and work to make things ready for 2011. We cleared out the closets that so easily become over-run and even tackled the basement in this effort to start fresh. Everything is plain, clean, and simple today.


Brian and I have some very different ideas about what daily life should be. This book-nerd girl married a tech-geek guy, and while there is sometimes a clash born out of that difference, there is one thing we agree on: Keep It Simple.


Last year I named my year presence. Brian was in school 20 hours for his last semester of college plus working 60+ hours a week and I felt a little crazy keeping everything together with house, kids and studio while he was mostly absent from daily life. The focus on presence helped me to narrow my mind to only the task at hand, instead of my brain scattering through all the tasks for the day and even week.


And did I accomplish what I set out to do? Sort of.


The thing is, I tried to do it. I tried to make it happen instead of truly making it prayerful and focused with God in the center. I tried to make it the way I wanted it instead of letting God shape it, and what a more glorious thing that would have been! Oh what I missed due to selfishness!


Has it really been 5 months since I felt like God dropped me so that I would have no choice but to let Him re-make me? I know now that it was the only way to have such a massive change of attitude. I know now that He didn't drop me, I hit that bottom on my own where I could finally admit my defeat and all I could say was

God, I cannot do this. I need you.

As I thought about a word for this year, there have been many to cross my mind. I can hardly settle on one, it seems, because no one word seems to encompass my spiritual need.


For this year, my word is Change.


If I could subtitle it for clarity I'd include: Grow, Reach, Be Willing, Abide, Pray.


And it's all a little scary. I mean, at any time God could ask me to really grow, to reach for God-sized things, to be willing to go, to stay, to do hard things... And if He really asks? How do I step forward? What is the next thing?


... and that's where I get stuck. That's why the word for this year is Change. I revert again and again to my natural state of doubt and worry, my need to know what the next step will be, what exactly might be asked of me so I can plan for it and be prepared...


And yet God doesn't always give us next steps. And I think in my case He may not for a very long time if ever because I seem to desire that information so very much. I need a re-boot, a full change in perspective, if you will, and this is the year for change.


Is it simple? Not at all. I'm a little worried about that, since it so goes against the established order around here, but this is my step forward in faith. Taking the things that are a little messy, a little complicated, a lot different, and proceeding anyway. Praying, centered on God, trusting that He guides my progress.

*****

Ann Voskamp invites us this week to define the coming year. You can visit her at A Holy Experience.

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Holy Mess

It was a long day Sunday. I rose early to get to church ahead of my family, ahead of most of the congregation.  Eight of us meet early to rehearse praise music and be sure we know all the cues for the service. We sing, play, pray, and ready ourselves for worship. We work hard in rehearsal and worship God in the service, no matter what might happen. We’ve seen proven time and again that even if a weird buzz pops up on a speaker mid-song or the musicians aren’t quite together for a few bars God still uses that imperfect music to call hearts to Him.

We pray together,  the eight of us, for job interviews that might finally pay off after a year or more of unemployment, for an unsaved sister, we praise Him for the work He is doing in our church these last few months.

I try to focus on this time of worship, but my brain is jumping hoops remembering all the work waiting at home. If only all the externals would vanish when its time to worship. I whisper words begging forgiveness for my unfocused mind. Father help me be here instead of worrying about later...

And I remember that long ago it was Mary and Joseph over-full with worry- after all they were called on to go take care of taxes when the birth of Jesus was imminent!

Faithfully they headed off to be counted, awash in the scandal of pregnancy before marriage, Mary heavy with child for the journey, and traveling so long only to find no room to stay, the babe so close to birth… 

Complicated, disgraced, MESS.

And in the mess of life, in the hay and the imperfect place to bear a child our salvation is made possible.

In the faithfulness of a young girl and her husband-to-be our salvation is here.

From such humble beginnings is born the babe who will renew our hearts and minds, transforming us in His grace.

Stable, manger, HOLY.

Ann Voskamp invites us to write about Advent this week. Won't you join us?

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Love Much

I took Ezra with me to buy our advent candles last week. He doesn't really remember last year's candles, so I told him again about the circle that ends with Christ in the center. Such a simple connection that calls us to the manger each year, but to my little one it will feel brand new and full of excitement. As we talk I pray my 3-year-old hears and understands. We talk about Jesus' birthday, about a birthday cake and celebration. We talk about making gifts to give each other, spending time together, a special breakfast... and then he interrupts.

"What do we give to God on Thanksgiving?"

Praise.

Gratitude.

Time.

Joy.

Faithfulness.

I started at the beginning of the list, but it made no sense to Ezra. He was looking for something tangible- an outward sign of thanksgiving.


When we went home we wrote a list together- a first grattitude list for a three-year-old boy- and prayed together to tell God thank you for each thing. Pictures were drawn and hung on the walls, a physical and real sign of praise for the things we depend on and the people we love.


Making my own list along with Ezra's and when I find myself beyond the usual- family, house, food... the stresses that have built up in the last few months became evident. I find the thoughts in the back of my mind bouncing around:

"Yes, thank you that Brian has a job, but You know he needs something better, more permanent."

"Yes, thank you for providing what we need, but we really need something more dependable."

I shake my head as if to erase it all and try to begin again. Thank you, for what we have right here, right now. Teach me, Father, to be content right here, right now, with what I have in this moment.


Some days it feels like there isn't much left to give after allowing my mind to be taken over by the worry and doubt- What if today is the day they tell him there is no more work? What if the job interviews don't pan out yet again? Haven't we been riding this train long enough that we deserve a break?


And there is the problem. Deserve. It's only by God's grace and mercy and sacrifice that we don't get what we truly deserve.


This thought floods my mind and I am brought to tears thinking of the woman who washed Jesus' feet with fragrant perfume and tears. Jesus' had so much to forgive her for and still she came- she came with what she had, praising Him, understanding that it was He who would save her from her multitude of sins.


God does His best work when we have nothing left to give and yet we still come before Him, offering up the only things left. Our commitment, our love, our hearts. Oh, He works in us in other times, as well, but as Jesus' says in the parable: Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little. (Luke 7:47 NKJV)

Ann Voskamp invites us to write about giving thanks. Won't you join us today?

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One step

I didn't mean to tell the story I told, but when a dear friend asked if she could pray for me words tumbled out- all the words I never meant to share. It started simply enough- that the restored faith of a family member has been underwhelming to me when I thought it would be so joyous. And joyous it certainly was at first, but a bitter spirit crept in during these last weeks and I found myself pouring the ugly out too- words of jealousy and anger - the true words stuck in my heart:

"I have been faithful through everything all these years when so many people told me it was okay to turn away. And does anyone remember my obedience? My prayers? My faith?"

I suddenly realized what I'd said, what it sounded like, what it really was . . . and I cried.


There I was, the prodigal son's brother, worrying about what people thought of me when all that mattered was a soul returned to the Father.


It has only been a few months since I heard those words come out of my mouth and I felt a punch to the gut that sent our house upside down. I hadn't even fully realized that I'd been harboring those thoughts before they were born into actual words, but with that realization came a serious attitude adjustment that affected the whole family.


Learning to truly be thankful is a process, you know- a hard and dirt-revealing process. It took a full re-boot to my heartsong, the words that live in me, that I breathe in and out every day. And I know it's not complete.


Sometimes choosing to be thankful is a drop-you-to-your-knees-in-awe kind of thing, but far more often it's choosing to whisper little words of thanks as you work through the day, one simple step after the other. Thankful as you make breakfast, a few words of praise with every folded shirt, as you drive to the library, tuck littles into bed...


One step in front of the other. Obedience, faithfulness in the little things that we are called to do.


Ann Voskamp invites us to write about giving thanks today. You can visit her at A Holy Experience.

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In This Place

"Mama, I'm glad you're here."

Sticky fingers wrapped around my neck, and he sniffled as he tucked up against me. He forces his fingers between mine to hold onto me.


Little colds seem to hunt this child down- never serious, but just enough to knock him back a little. His usual "go, go, go!" attitude slows just enough that I can actually catch him and hold him for bits of time here and there throught he day. He still smiles, because this boy always smiles. From the second he wakes up in the early hours to the second he goes to bed, his ear-to-ear grin accompanies him everywhere.


He smiles even while his nose runs, cuddles close and settles in.


My thoughts immediately jump to discontent: wishing I could just be home with my sweet boys all the time, wishing for better work for my husband to make that possible, then it disolves into the kind of detailed discontent I easily find myself stuck in: If I stayed home full time I could cook the way we'd like, homeschool exactly how we'd like, keep the home exactly how we'd like...


Bad habit revealed. I find myself recently with this ugly habit of discontent that I justified for too long as things that were "good" to desire. But the truth is that God has me in this place for a reason, and He doesn't call us to have a heart longing for places we are not in. Our heart is meant to be devoted to His service right here in this place. Finding joy, purpose and grattitude in this place is virtually impossible while longing to be elsewhere.


So re-training begins. Taking thoughts captive, re-focusing on praise and thanksgiving, pealing back the longing words in my mind to get to the heart of the matter: trusting God. Lord, I know what is in my heart. Continue to teach me to trust You in the place I'm in, not where I think I should be.


It's a long process, this thankfulness journey. Sometimes 10 steps back before a tiny toe forward is made, but oh! That toe forward leads to contentment and peace, right here in this place.

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Ann Voskamp invites us to write about giving thanks. You can visit her at A Holy Experience.

In My Heart, All the Time

I shared my goal with my husband about 2 weeks ago. I was going to be working back into the habit of memorizing Scripture and he was the one who inspired me to choose the Psalm I am learning.

"What would serve you the best? What passage do you need in your heart all the time?"

A prayer begging forgiveness.

A prayer for a clean beginning washed with Christ's blood.

We sin fresh each day and each day (sometimes many times) we must be wiped clean.

The passage I need all the time? Psalm 51.

I spend the first minutes of my morning with this piece of the Word, and through the day I revisit, tasting these words again.

Ann Voskamp invites us to write about our memory work. You can read more at A Holy Experience.

My Own Memorizing Work

I haven't memorized scripture on my own in a little while. I've been feeling the nudge to return to that habit, but our focus has recently been on helping our 5-year-old begin the habit himself. As I helped him with familiar verses I was struck with the thought that he would pass me up in a short amount of time because I had paused so long in learning new Words.

It was later that week that our Pastor called us all to task, asking us to pick up the sword as our protection, to memorize so that we will always know exactly what His Words are, so that His Word guards our minds. And I heard, and nodded and promised to consider it.

Then it was Ann who posted about Scripture Memory and I was cut deep with those videos.

Why is it that I didn't obey when I was first called back to memorizing? Why is it that it took three calls, each one sharper than the one before?

I'm still a very new student to this "direct and immediate obedience" thing.

These are my current words, on index cards with me through the day, and using some of the techniques Ann shared last week (blue is what I have memorized so far, and I am still working on the rest):

Psalm 51

Have mercy upon me Oh, God,

According to Your longkindness;

According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,

Blot out my transgressions.

Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,

And cleanse me from my sin.

For I acknowledge my transgressions,

And my sin is always before me.

Against You, You only, have I sinned,

And done this evil in Your sight-

That You may be found just when You speak,

And blameless when You judge.

Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,

And in sin my mother conceived me.

Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,

And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Make me hear joy and gladness,

That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
    

Hide Your face from my sins,

And blot out all my iniquities.

 Create in me a clean heart, O God,

And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Do not cast me away from Your presence,

And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
       
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,

And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
     
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,

And sinners shall be converted to You.

Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,       
The God of my salvation,

And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.

 O Lord, open my lips,

And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.

For You do not desire sacrifiice, or else I would give it;

You do not delight in burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,

A broken and contrite heart-

These, O God, You will not despise.

Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;

Build the Walls of Jerusalem.

Then You shall be pleased with the sacriifices of righteousness,

With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;

Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.

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Ann Voskamp invites us to share our current scripture memory work this week. If you'd like to read more, visit her at A Holy Experience.

Stepping Into the Word

In the morning hours pages are blurry and my words stumble.

I was not made for the morning.

I'm still building this habit, and now that it's getting colder and we're in the midst of furnace wars I have to admit that getting out of the warm bed is terribly difficult.

I convinced myself a long time ago that as long as I ended my day with God I didn't have to try to manage an early morning meet-up. After all- meeting daily is really great, right? But reading Scripture and devoting time to prayer at the end of my day didn't really work- I was exhausted and spent the time half-heartedly, and I must admit- eventually there became no time at all as other things seemed to take over. I had only given God the crumbs of my time and my soul.

I struggled to find a place for His Word somewhere and then realized not too long ago that that was precisely the problem. I was trying to squish my relationship with God into some place in my life, rather than setting my life around my relationship with God. I'm not sure exactly when all of that tangled up and shifted out of balance, but it was clear: something had to change.

Enter the new morning habit, which grew into a serious hunger for The Word, and now into a day defined by hard stops and a focus where it should be: reading, learning, absorbing, praying. In the middle of all the things that must be done we stop for the Book we cannot live without. It is still difficult at times as we are still learning this new lifestyle, but slowly I feel a change in my heart to seeing what truly must be done: time in The Word, time to hear God, time for a continuous conversation with Him. Suddenly laundry and dishes and the other "musts" seem so much less important.

I pray His Word in the in-betweens, I read and learn on my own in the morning and with my husband in the evenings, we stop our day mid-morning and mid-afternoon for prayer and Scripture memorization. We feed our kids The Word of God along with their meals and pray together.


Ann Voskamp invites us to write about feasting on His Word this week.

What Kind of Year are You Having?

Do your years seem to shape themselves into themes? Or is this just a weird thing about me?

2008 was a big crafting year for me. I learned to sew basic garments over the summer (we're talking pajama pants here!) and I started the knitting love affair that fall.

2009 was the year of big food changes. We worked to buy and eat only real food and I learned a LOT about making food from scratch. Let me tell you- after growing up in a "microwave it!" household, it was quite the learning curve! But by last fall I felt like I'd really gotten a handle on our new way of eating and how to think about food in a completely different way.

2010 has been a strange year. In a way there has been a lot of "survival" going on here. A lot of "when Brian finishes school we'll do this" and some "if we can just make it through 2 more weeks we can take care of that" and after a long season of holding on by the seat of our pants, I'm not sure what to make of the last year.

:: We did figure out what our homeschool is meant to look like for now. It's been so much fun, and now that we are going with what works it feels effortless. (And now that I just wrote that, I'm sure I jinxed something.)

:: I figured out that I get too focused on all the things I "should" do or be, but the truth is I have 24 hours in a day just like everyone else and I have to prioritize. We make time for the things we want and need to do, but my "want to do" list was far longer than my "need to do" list. I think I've finally learned that sometimes it's good to finish up that needs list and let the rest of the stuff go for a few days.

::  I have been working too much this year, and I'm trying to find an agreeable yet reasonable solution to that problem.

:: This has been a year where I have had to really carve out quiet and peace. Writing here, knitting, getting up before Ezra's little feet hit the ground to spend the early light in prayer... These things have all been part of an attempt to create a tiny sanctuary for myself in the midst of the constant change this year has brought. It has helped me through the loneliness during Brian's unexpected travel and the long hours that he spent in class last spring, it helps through the work troubles, the schedule changes, the constant push and pull of life.

:: Most of all, this has been a year of great failure and great grace. Praise God for His abundant mercies and the measure of grace He places on us precisely when we need it. My husband and I sincerely believe that He has provided us with the perfect amounts of grace through this year, and we trust that He will continue His work in us through the current job situation. There is work for the next few weeks at least, and for now that is enough.

Has your year seemed to follow a theme? Share in comments!