Willing

I’m the same now as I was when I was 15.

Except for the fact that my whole life is completely different from then, essentially I am exactly what I was at 15. I needed time to myself and room to follow the interests I had. I was a sophomore, homeschooling in the morning hours, spending the afternoons practicing the 3 instruments I played, then performing or rehearsing several evenings per week. Saturdays were spent all day in rehearsals. I was already developing a career at that young age.

I spent my non-musical time writing stories, writing articles, journaling- writing just to write. In fact, I found myself writing “I wish I had something really interesting to write just because I really feel like writing right now” in my journal more than once as a teenager. I wanted to write for writing’s sake.

I loved it all.

I miss that life.

There isn’t anything that could make me trade what I have now for what I had 14 years ago.

My creative pursuits have since shifted to crafting. Music is still my career, but I don’t perform anymore, and I fill that need for creation with knitting and composing for my music students.

In my “days off” lately I’ve been writing again. As in real writing, the kind of writing I did before I had kids and thought I was too busy to take the time to write since then. Real writing as in words that mean something, rather than the hastily written lists that have become my standby lately.

It was while I was writing over the weekend that I realized just how much I have not changed in all this time. I still need exactly the same things- time to myself and room to explore my interests- and that hasn’t been happening for the last year or so. The last few weeks have been like waking up for the first time in a few years, looking around and thinking, “how did I get here?”

Hence, lots of prayer.

Big changes, come my way.

I very thoroughly believe that you have to be the one to make the changes you want in your life, and just as firmly I believe that if you are willing to do the work there isn’t much out there that is unattainable.

I’m working.